On a different note, I think I have lots of homework but I really havent been doing anything, or atleast not much homework. When I have time to do some of it, I always get deathly tired… it’s getting really bad. I use to always be able to come home and do my homework real quick , with energy and all and be done with it the same day. Now I just come home and go to work or eat and go to sleep. And I sleep all the time it feels like, unless it’s on the weekend, then I never sleep , but like last night I went to bed early, after a chill day of relaxing after we all went to steak and shake and yet i still couldnt wake up early this morning to do some early morning homework. ( that was my plan, wake up early and try doing homework, then maybe I would do some) I think it’s because it’s just so easy to do my homework the night before its due and still get A’s on it that I have become somewhat care free when it comes do doing it ahead of time. I’m just so busy and distracted with all these others things that have to be done first, like turning in scholarship applications ( which by the way ask for a copy of your transcripts which cost $2 every time you want a copy from the school, and they put them in a sealed envelope that is a official document so if you open it to copy the transcripts , they are invalid….)

Other subject, Taylor pulled out a no talk to touch contract on me and Caleb and come to find out the only people who get punished if its violated are me and Caleb, not here, because I reported her violating it 3 times from sat-on and all they did was talk to her and say that they are only gonna punish us if they violate it. how do i know this. Because Taylor told heather, who told Caleb, who told me. SOOOO Tomorrow me and Caleb are going in there and we are revoking mine his and my moms signature because all 3 of us decided that it wasnt fair or right, not to mention they didn’t mention that it is voluntary to sign, not mandatory, which means we didn’t have to sign it. so tomorrow I am going in there and getting all the copies of it in my hand and destroying them and telling Taylor ” guess what , I can say what ever I want , hows that for ya?”

It was kinda weird that Lauren came and saw me at steak and shake yesterday, she called ahead to see if I was at the school because she wanted to see me and gave me that gun when she got to the restaurant like she wanted me to kiss her again , but I didn’t for one reason. because Jolisa was there and no matter if she is over me, I know for me it would sting seeing her kiss anyone else, so I was just trying to be considerate. but who knows, she might not have even cared. Would you have cared?

Had class tonight in Lacanto, it went by pretty fast. for some reason I get distracted really easily in that class by just spacing out all the time, there are times when I really try to try to focus on what he is saying and i just can’t, i just goes in one ear and out the other. oh well, that why he gives us fill in the blank notes that he tells us the answers to as he goes along. He also gave us a take home test, which doesn’t look to hard, but we’ll see when I start it tomorrow

My mom bought me honey roasted peanuts nd pistachios, I found them on my desk when I came home from class, that was so nice of her <3

I’ve been trying to hang out with people I havent seen in a while and I think I’m doing pretty good, minus that I use to hang out with some of these kids all the time everyday, but that will change when summer comes around. I really want to hang out with Brooklynn more, see if maybe she has changed back a little , cause I feel like that’s whats going on , that she is kinda going back to the best friend I use to love, there are still some bad qualities , but maybe over time those can go away too. I know alan isn’t going anywhere soon, so I’ll just deal with that, and with that comes Chris, and with him Taylor, but it’s whatever. I remember when I came before all those fake people in Brooklynn’s life, it was really awesome to have a best friend who I coul say I knew before highschool and had long times memories with. Dont have many of those now, I wish my Best friends Allie , Bryanna, and Justin could all move back to Ocala. We are all still friends now but it would be amazing if they lived her again, we can tell each other anything, all 4 of us love all 4 of us, and we could tear up anything we all did together, even if it was just me and one of them or me and all of them, we alway had a great time and had each others back NO MATTER WHAT. and when I say that I mean it, even if one of us messed up we had each other back and would defend the other till death. I use to be like that with Brooklynn, but it just got so hard when she couldn’t keep her mistakes between me and her and Ashley, she felt obligated to share hers when people shared theirs with her, and that’s how all her secrets got out, an once people know something, there isn’t anything I could do to convince them otherwise. But no matter what I would try, and I always walked away having said what ever lie Brooklynn wanted me to  just because I had her back.

so when people say I’m fake and I’ve changed, I kind of  laugh, because the funny thing is I still do all the same thing I ever did, they just stopped doing their part so it makes it look like a different situation. I’m the same guy wh will fight till the end for someone who is worth it. But after you prove to not be worth it or don’t want me to fight for you anymore, I’m done. And that’s when I look like a bad guy, when I quit saving your ass.Not to say I was always covering, people cover for me all the time when I lie, that’s what I love in a good friend, someone who rolls with your lies because they understand what ever it is just became a secret.

Ashle tried to convince me today that Ms.Trina( lesly’s mom , Ms.lisa’s best friend and Ms. Ann’s best friend) wasnt talking bad about me and Caleb but just agreeing with what everyone else said about us. I’m sorry but last time I checked if you agree with what someone is saying bad about another person, it’s just like you saying it. If I call someone a slut and you say ” yeah” then you are saying ” yes they are a slut” So therefore you aren’t any better than the person who just stated it for the crowd, you are both on the same level of garbage.

I wish Hannah didn’t sleep with Josh, I honestly can’t believe it. I don’t want to think its true but I know it is because she told me. I just don’t know how she couldn’t say no, there honestly in no excuse because how could he seduce her in one night, sleep with her, and then neither of them acknowledge that it even happened when ever someone but close friends talk about it. It drives me nuts. Heres Hannah always preaching this and that about people have choices they just need to think , blah and this and that, and then she goes and sleeps with one of the sluttest guys for no reason!I would be okay with it if she fucked him and left or she let him eat her out/ finger her then left, but when you let a guy have sex with you or suck his dick or anything, the girl automatically becomes the slut and no matter the situation it looks like he hit it and quit it. And I can’t tell you how bad that makes people look. I love Hannah and I forgive her because we all make mistakes, but I wont say that it wont always be in the back of my head for the next little while of my life.

Same goes for Jolisa and Angel. no matter if they date later on  which I’m sorry but no matter the lies he has Josh feed her isn’t going to happen) he is going touse her again and leave , then come back, and use her again and leave. I bet if her dates her, he uses her and leaves. This sounds horrible, I sound like  heartless monster, but its true , and there is nothing more that I don’t like then watching girls repeat the same mistake because they think something has changed. Chances are  if it happened once I guarantee it will happen again.

Think about this, do you see yourself with this person 5 years from now? 10? for life? no. Thats the point. No matter what someone says, no matter how much in love y ou are, unless you’ve been going at it for a while, chances are your relationship isn’t going to last and you are giving away a piece of you that you can never get back to someone who you wont be with forever. Wether that be a secret,a kiss, making out, fingering, or having sex. I’m not you can’t do these thing, I’m saying you can’t complain and whine when you get hurt that they told you secret, kissed someone else, fooled around with someone else, or slept with another person. In my situation, I’ve become so detached when it comes to relationships, that I know going into it, what I’m giving away to this person and knowing that I’m really only in it for the ride and the good times and then it will be over, no tears, no regrets, no sorrow, and that’s why I ” whore around” as some would say. I do on the other hand know when I have a serious relationship that it will be legit and it will be for a  long time. That’s what I wanted with Jolisa. And that’s why it took me so long to warm up to going back with her. I planned forever with this girl and she crushed it a few different times. When it came to this most recent time, I didn’t know if I was ready to give her the world like I wanted too and she deserved to have. So I waited, and I didn’t do anything with anyone really. I mean I couldn’t have sex with a hot girl begging me because it didn’t feel right because I knew it wasnt the right girl, that I wanted someone else there.  Now, I will avoid that wall and bust through because I have boxed up all those deep emotions for when the time comes and she comes back. If not , that’s okay. But in a way, I’ll always be waiting.

I have said before that I crossed you out of my book, and could never forgive you for the hurt your “mistakes” I call them, caused me. But that’s not true. I just get angry sometimes, and jealous. I remember the day you use to talk about me  and how you missed the way we use to be , and then i remember the days , when we were both on the same page, and we cared about each other  the same way at the same time. Sadly that has seen been gone and we have both found ourselves to be poor timers when it comes to the other.

I wanna write something just for me now, something in this journal of mine, that expresses what has been running through my head so frequently lately. Dont over think, don’t remember it, don’t think about it when you look at me;

I look at her sometimes and die inside. Not because of anything she has done but what I’ve done to her. I have only regretted one thing in my life before and that was taking the fall for Brooklynn, and now I regret this.  regret missing a girl I loved because I was scared. Now I look at her and I can’t help but think of all I wanted us to be and all I know we would’ve been. When I see other couples and the t hings they do together, the team they make, I think of the team we would have been and all th things we would’ve done together. When I hug her and hold her I imagine what it would be like if she were holding me the way she use to with the feeling she use to have. I can only say I ever cared about one other person like I did her and that girl is since moved on and so have I. Although it is ironic that even when I loved the other girl, I still turned her down knowing I cared for this other girl more. I listen to you talk and think of the words that ould come out of your mouth if we were alone before everything changed. I stare into you eyes and cry because those eyes were meant for me.  All the adventures  we could have taken and all the memories we would have made, or continued to make , will never exist because I couldn’t just let go of the stupid grudge I had from so long ago.

So now I wonder in my mind, detached emotionally from relationships. How do I know? Because I can speck the course of my relationships before they even start and they fall exactly on the path I set. It starts with a short series of obsession with each other, then falls off for a span of time where there is no communication from me and then after that I either call up the person when I have a sudden desire to do something with them, then blow them off the rest of the time. and then they have become another fling, just another person to call when I’m bored. There are times when I think that hat I want, that it’s a good thing I don’t get attached easily anymore so I can just go have fun and screw around. then there’s that part of me that doesn’t want that, that would rather have something stable through all the bumps in my life. Someone who I could learn all about and just keep knowing everything instead of relearning about a new lover every time I meet a girl. I think its bd when I’ve gotten good at telling girl what they want to hear and knowing I can manipulate them and know its going to work. not always, but I honestly havent seen it fail yet.

What ever. I’m annoyed with my stupid love life, it’s too complicated.  I want to be able to pick a way and stick with it till I’m out of college.

I think I just need to get away to Oregon and enjoy some quality time with my family without any worries or work or clubs or organizations, or email, or friends, or drama, or anything! Just have Ben thinking time where I can do the things I want to do but don’t have time for. Like learn sign language. I desperately want to be fluent in sign :/ and work out too. I wanna be built. That sounds dumb cause everyone says ” you built? that would look weird” no actually I know what it would look like cause I know myself, and I would look really good. Not to mention if I was away with all the free time ever, I  could clear my skin with no stress and have perfectly white teeth, the whole 9 yards. All conceded material things , and I’ve said all this before, but I just wanna get away and have a vacation. I’ve been here way too long for too long an amount of time.

I don’t know what else to say but leave a comment Cause this was a lot of random stuff and I like her everyone’s imput.

That’s all for Ben, have a great night!

(man this spell check is gonna take forever.. I alway do it after I write everything, ugh )

(okay I spelled checked it but I didnt proof read it cause that would take a little, so deal )

That’s all from Ben, have a great night!

That’s all from Ben, Bye.

That’s all from Ben, night.